It was the last day of the Pursuit Conference. In fact, the conference had really ended the night before and all we had going on Thursday morning was breakfast and any goodbyes we wanted to say to friends. I showed up for breakfast fairly early in order to go back to my room and pack and checkout by 10am. I wasn’t in a huge rush to get out, however, because I was staying around to help clean up and take down everything from the conference.
I had planned on leaving the dining hall about 30 minutes prior, but ended up sticking around to talk with some people. As I was about to walk out, however, a woman came up to me and asked me if I was struggling with second infertility. I probably gave her an odd look, wondering “how do you know this?” (Probably b/c I’m an open book and shared with a lot of people my story this week… haha.) When I confirmed yes, I was, she told me that she overheard me talking with someone yesterday about it and that she had struggled with primary infertility with her daughter for three and a half years, so she understood the emotions I have been going through these past 16 months.
She goes on to tell me that the night before during worship that the Lord laid it on her heart to tell me something. He said to her, “tell her [me] it’s going to happen.” And that was it, but she knew in that moment what the Lord was talking about. He was talking about my desire to have another child and that I would in fact have another baby one day.
I stood there for a second and wasn’t quite sure what she had said, so I asked her again. And when she said it again, I immediately broke down crying. I believed her. I truly believe that the Lord speaks to people in their soul. He did it for me when he told me I would marry Joshua. I also believe that He uses others as well in this way, so nothing about this comment seemed unrealistic to me. She said that she knew it probably sounded crazy and she didn’t want to creep me out; but that she knew the Lord had spoken to her and that she was to share it with me. I didn’t think she was crazy. She wasn’t creeping me out.
She was planning on telling me after worship, but in the hustle and bustle of everything, lost sight of me and didn’t see me again the rest of the evening. She said she was so disappointed that she was unable to share with me what the Lord had laid on her heart. She didn’t even know my name to somehow get the message to me later. This is why I shared all of the breakfast details… I hadn’t even planned on being in there when she was, but the Lord orchestrated the timing to happen, and she and I were there at the same time.
We talked for a few minutes about my story and hers and trusting the Lord’s timing; but her words gave me a ton of hope. I haven’t completely given up the idea that it will happen at some point, but there have been moments where I do wonder and question whether or not we will have another biological baby. (I’ll talk more about our heart for adoption in a later post.) Thank you, Kristin, for your faithfulness to the Lord and sharing what He revealed to you.
I will say, the human part in me wants to ask, “well did He give you a timeline??? When will this happen?? Do I have to wait 4 or 5 years?? Will it be this year???? TELL ME!” But of course God doesn’t work that way. He blessed me enough to share even that with me, and I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for His heart for His children. He knows my heart and how much I want this.
I’ll be honest, a few weeks ago, I got this overwhelming feeling that it is going to take years, like 5 or 6 years before we have another biological child. I got so scared when I got that feeling. 5 or 6 years?? Levi would be at least 7 or 8 when we have another baby if that’s the case. My heart breaks at the idea of my children growing up so far apart in age; but I know that is the worldly part in me, and I need to be okay if that is in fact the case. In fact, I need to be joyful that the Lord has chosen to bless us with another child, and not mourn the fact that they will be far apart in age. I’m really just trying to discern whether or not this feeling is the Lord preparing my heart and getting me ready for this journey or if it’s satan whispering lies to me to make me sad and frustrated and distracted from the Lord’s plan in this and purpose for us. It’s so hard to tell sometimes. I have a lot of praying to do and have to really get back into the Word. I would love to ask you to pray for me as well.
Our theme for the week and verse for the conference was “a way in the wilderness” stemming from Isaiah 43:19. “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Anyone else get chills when you read that and think of my journey I’m going through right now? We will see what the Lord does in the next months or years of this journey for us; but what a verse for me to be surrounded with this week as I walk through this.
I have a lot more to share about the conference later, some related to my second infertility, but a lot of other stuff as well. I have a lot to decompress still and go through before I share all of it, but I’ll be sharing more in the next weeks about what the Lord taught me and showed me while at Pursuit.
If you’re new to my story and our struggle with second infertility and want to hear more, feel free to start here with my blog posts about it!