Normally, I don’t do so many of my “Patiently Waiting” posts near each other, much less back to back; but my heart is raw right now and I want to share what’s on it.
Since having Levi, Mother’s Day is easily my new favorite holiday. I love it so much not because it’s “about me” or that I get celebrated (that’s awesome and all), but it’s because I get to celebrate that the Lord has blessed me and has called me to be a mom; and not just any mom- a mom to my amazing son, my Levi Littleman. I love him beyond words can express. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. I love him beyond anything that makes since. If you’re a mom, you know what I’m talking about. And that love I have for him gives me a small glimpse of Christ’s love for me as His child. I am so humbled by that. I am so thankful that I get to love that child and raise him and that the Lord saw fit to make ME his mother. Mother’s Day is such a sweet reminder of this.
How am I so blessed??
But despite this being my favorite holiday, this Mother’s Day was a mix of emotions for me. The last three (when I was pregnant with Levi and the two after he was born) were filled with happy moments and celebrating that I am a mom. Even last year when we were trying, it had been 5 months at this point, but I wasn’t worried yet that we wouldn’t get pregnant. This year, however, was a hard day for me. I started my period yesterday, ON Mother’s Day, and that was just a punch in the gut. I knew it was coming- I could tell a day or two beforehand, but it still HURT. I thought, “how cool would it have been to find out I was pregnant on Mother’s Day?” So on top everything else, I was dealing with my stupid hormones making me cry at the drop of a hat.
I found myself going back and forth with my emotions- one moment loving on my son who made me a mother and thanking the Lord for the blessing that is him- to the next moment, crying and pouring my heart out to the Lord, asking Him to give me the desires of me heart. I hated it. I felt guilty for not enjoying Levi and being happy with having him. I didn’t want to spend Mother’s Day mourning the fact that I didn’t have a second child yet. I felt selfish being so unhappy because I have a kid already- I know friends of mine who don’t have a baby yet and Mother’s Day is a day filled with hurt and reminders of their unanswered desires. I felt ashamed for breaking down in church and having to go to the bathroom to compose myself.
My heart hurt
So after two unsuccessful months of clomid to try and help us get pregnant, we are at a crossroads. We are at a point where we will either go see a fertility specialist or take some time off of tracking and trying and see what happens from here. Emotionally, I think I need a break from it all. It’s been exhausting emotionally to be let down each month when I had so much hope and desire. But we both need to pray about it- together and separately and see where we feel the Lord is calling us next. So we will see what we plan on doing in the coming months.
But yesterday wasn’t all filled with tears and heartache. I do have one amazing child that made me “Mama” and I got to celebrate with him. He must have known my Mama Heart needed some extra love yesterday, because while at my aunt/uncle in-law’s house for Mother’s Day, he wouldn’t nap; so I cuddled with him and for the first time since he was a baby (with the exception of being sick), he fell asleep on me and napped with me for nearly two hours. I rubbed his head and kissed on him as he slept. I prayed over him and thanked God so much for him and the miracle that he is in our lives. I still remember how close we were to losing him in those hours after I had him. I also prayed that God would heal my heart and help me find all of the joy possible in being his mom right now; because once we have another baby, I will never have this one-on-one time with him again. I want to cherish it and value it and be thankful for it and not constantly cry that I don’t have a second baby yet. I PRAY for a shift in my heart to TRULY be content and praise God for this journey I’m walking through right now.
Shift my heart and mind towards your plans, Lord
I’m thankful for the promise He gave me through Kristin at Pursuit last month. Yesterday, through reading a blog post from a speaker at Pursuit, Jane Johnson, (side note: GO READ her post after mine. Her story is one of the most incredible faith in waiting 10 years for their child), I found this verse she shared. It gave me chill bumps as it read it.
Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.
Like woah… this verse refers to Mary and believing the angel that she would in fact have Jesus, but I believe verses like this can be applied to us today as well. Jane had a friend years ago have a dream about her child the Lord would one day bless her with. Similarly, the Lord used someone (a complete stranger in my case) to share with me that I will one day have another child. There’s no timeline on that, but I believe it. This sweet verse from Luke 1:45 is the reminder that I needed yesterday to trust in the Lord and His promise, but also His timing for me. I’m not praying that my desire for another child goes away, but just that the Lord would help me find joy and contentment in this place I am in while I wait for this additional blessing. The waiting is hard, man is it hard; but I don’t want to miss out on what the Lord is trying to teach me during this time or miss out on this special time I have with my son.
So there it is, my heart online for everyone to read. I hope that it has spoken to someone’s heart and has encouraged someone who is reading this. Already a friend of mine reached out to me yesterday after reading my short Facebook status and shared she has been trying for a number of months for baby #2. We shared our hearts and hurts with each other, and while she is a friend I haven’t seen in over a year, I know we are going to reconnect and hug each other in the next week or two. I’m thankful for these stories and more that I know will surface because God is using me during this time of waiting. He is faithful. Thank you for following me in this journey and praying for me.