Last week, I went to the park with Levi and a few of his friends/my mom friends. Just another ordinary morning at the park planned to let the kiddos play and run out some energy before nap time. But when I got there, I was bombarded with nearly every. single. woman. there with a visibly pregnant belly. And all of which had toddlers running around who were clearly younger than my son. There was even a prenatal yoga class going on in the fenced in playground so the pregnant moms could exercise while their kids were able to run around and play (great idea by the way!).
I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice this right way- obviously I did seeing as I am blogging about it. And I would be lying if a little part of me wasn’t sad at watching these not-even-two-year-old-toddlers run around as their moms chased them around with very pregnant bellies. So much of me wanted to be a part of the pregnant club and be exhausted because I was at the park playing with Levi while running around with a giant preggo belly.
BUT I will say that God has brought me sooooo far in the past few months. I think had this been in the spring midst all of the fertility testing and almost daily tears of wanting another baby, I would have immediately started crying behind my sunglasses, trying desperately to hide those tears from my friends and wondering eyes from the pregnant mothers. I would have wanted to leave immediately, but have to suffer through the mental anguish of thinking “how far along is she?” “how old is her son running around?” Y’all, these used to be my thoughts… I would almost begrudge anyone who had what I didn’t have. It was so sinful and bad for my heart. But I can honestly say none of these thoughts crossed my mind, and it’s only because of how far the Lord has brought me in this journey.
I was still sad when I thought about my longing to have the same thing as these moms, but I wasn’t bitter or angry at them because they were able to have a second kid. And I don’t know their story. Maybe (like my friend who was at the park with me) struggled with primary infertility for years and got pregnant quickly with their second kid and knows the pain I’m in, but because I don’t know their story, I just assume it was all easy for them.
I know one day I will be able to say I’m thankful for this journey. I’m getting there now. The Lord is growing me and teaching me and stretching me. I am beyond thankful for my Levi and how much joy he brings me daily. I can’t wait to see him be a big brother one day.