Levi turned 3 this week and I had the best time!! I love celebrating his birthday even more than my own now, which says a lot since I have a birthday complex with my birthday being the day after Christmas and all. The day before, we celebrated with family and friends. On his actual birthday, we went to Waffle House for breakfast and then to church, spent the day at White Water, and enjoyed a family evening at home. But despite the fun we had, I still shed some tears on his birthday… and not for the reasons most parents (well mainly moms) cry on their kids birthdays.
Most parents cry on their kids birthdays because they don’t want their kid to get any older. They cry for the time already passed that they cannot get back. They cry because it seems just like yesterday that they brought their little one home from the hospital. They cry because they want to freeze time and can’t. They cry because the years just go too fast and before they know it, their kid is 18 and leaving for college.
I cried on Levi’s birthday, but not because of these things. I don’t want him to grow up so fast (it really has flown by! How is he 3 already!?), but I don’t tear up (well don’t often tear up) over these things. I cried on his birthday for the dreams I have that haven’t yet been fulfilled. Dreams of a family of 4 and of a sibling for Levi to play with on his birthday. I cried because my heart just plain hurt. It ached for the baby I want so badly. I cried for the frustration of not understanding why we have waited and still continue to wait for another child. Even a year ago when we were 9 months into this journey, I would have bet money on the fact that I would have had another baby already or at the very least be (very) pregnant at his birthday. I pictured us with another child at this point in our lives.
But here we are 21 months into our journey of infertility, still waiting for our precious child to join our family. I still trust God and I still have the faith that He will give me my hearts desire in this; but as I have said before, it doesn’t entirely take the hurt away or make days like this easier. BUT I am thankful for His promise that His plans for us are perfect, otherwise I could have wallowed in my misery all day and ruined my chance to enjoy Levi’s birthday. And luckily, these moments are fleeting and I didn’t dwell on it the rest of the day; but I did have my moment of tears and a hurt heart.